Letting go of our fears, for our children’s sake

I was walking into the park yesterday (we’re making the most of the glorious London summer sunshine) when I heard some kids talking and laughing. I looked around but there was no one there. I saw a big green rectangle wheelie bin and thought “could they be hiding in there?” but then I looked up and realised the voices were coming from up a tree. And I smiled!! It was so nice and refreshing to see 2 children had climbed up a tree and were just hanging out. You don’t see it that often these days.

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If you were an 80s child you most likely played outdoors, came home when it got dark or in time for dinner and had minimal adult supervision. Statistically crime hasn’t changed that much. What has changed is the media’s reaction to crime. The over sensationalising of things that are happening out there. Don’t get me wrong, you’ve got to keep your kids safe but this fear based parenting, as I see it, hinders children’s independence and self confidence.

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It’s ironic that we grew up with so much independence ourselves and yet we wrap our children in cotton wool, constantly looking over their shoulders, making sure they are not getting hurt or bullied or even dirty in some cases!! And where does all this fear come from? Can we simply blame the media or are we creating it ourselves?

A few years ago I went to a Chinmaya camp in Hong Kong. The Swami’s aim was to help us let go of the fear we build up within ourselves. He let us know that before the end of the camp we’d be walking on burning hot coal. To say I was petrified is an understatement. He then spent the next two days “creating” fear in our minds. When it came to the task at hand, he had us all sit in a row (alphabetically). We weren’t allowed to talk to each other, look around at the people who came in having walked on the burning coal or skip our turn. As my name starts with the letter N I was about half way down the line. The 20 minutes I waited was agonising. I built up all this fear (and anger) inside me and when my name was called my feet turned to lead. I very slowly lifted myself up and walked out to the beach. I saw the girl who went before me hobbling (he also got his volunteers to pretend to help the person walking away so that the next person built more fear within themselves). As I approached the coal I started crying. I was terrified but he said I had no choice but to do it. I faced the red hot coal and in that moment I let go of my fears and just walked…twice! And I came out totally unscathed (there were confident people who got blisters because walking on burning coal is about keeping a steady mind – no fear but not overconfident either). I later questioned him about why he chose to do it this way rather than take an Anthony Robbins style approach of motivating us to do it and he reminded me that the whole point was to let go of our self created fears. He may have created the circumstance but we built the fear all by ourselves.

But let me not digress. The point of that story was to elaborate how we are the creators (and also destroyers) of our own fear. And we are, very often, projecting this fear onto our children. Admittedly I do it myself sometimes. We wrap our children in bubble wrap, protecting them from anything that can touch them or harm them. But I worry sometimes that we’re encouraging children to be dependent, to rely on someone to help them at all times, to be rescued. And they’ll grow up into adults who are unable to take care of themselves.

So as it’s the first of the month, I encourage you to spend September trying to let go. And see your child amaze you. Toddlers are so capable, if we just let them. Keep them safe, give them boundaries but let them be explorers, making mistakes and learning the ways of the world through their own eyes.

For some interesting reading on this topic, here are a few sites I came across:

http://www.rogerwaters.org/ed5.html

http://missingsecrettoparenting.com/guilty-fearbased-parenting

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/lifelines/201101/tiger-mothers-and-the-case-fear-based-parenting

http://www.wired.com/geekmom/2012/03/fear-based-parenting-and-the-loss-of-simple-joys-with-our-children/

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Relationship Based Parenting 1

A couple of weeks ago I signed up to listen to a telesummit (21 interviews) on Relationship based parenting by Abby Bordner.

Abby Bordner understands that family life can be tiring but all parents want what is best for their kids. We don’t always have the time to read books or attend parenting workshops. She set up a series of interviews with professionals in the fields of child psychology, child development and famous authors of childcare books. You can sign up for these free interviews here. The idea is to give us advice that will help us deepen our understanding of children’s behaviour, improve our relationships and find balance in our lives. All of which will make us better parents.

In case you don’t get a chance to listen to them, over the next few weeks I’ll be giving you brief outlines of some of the interviews.

The first one is with Emily Plank. She’s an early childhood professional who started her career teaching Middle School.  She wanted to make a difference to kids and realised that the younger the kids, the more impact she’d have on them. She’s now doing research and writing and working with adults (educators and mothers). It turns out she says working with adults and working with children aren’t very different. If we become better people as adults, it’d easier to then model the behaviour we’d like our children to have. Being a parent forces you to look at and improve yourself.

From the ages of 0-3 children’s neuro-pathways are developed which impact their later life. Skills developed long before children enter formal schooling help shape their future.

One of Emily’s passions is the extent to which parenting and our interactions with young children is culturally embedded. The way we raise our children is often the way we were raised and conforming to our cultural norms. In the US, independence is important. From a young age Emily would encourage her children to sit at the table and eat by themselves. Use their hands and feed themselves. In Portugal however, it is highly offensive to use your hands to eat and so children are spoon fed until they are at least 2-3 and can use a spoon and fork by themselves.

So often we feel like how we are doing things is right but when we take a step back we realise our values are not unanimous. Different cultures have different values and norms. She started a project called “The Global Voices Project” where she puts various questions out there and people from all over the world give their take on things.

There are so many things we assume are universal when in fact they’re not. It’s not that one way is right or wrong but it just gives you some humility with regards to how you raise your children because you realise there are people who raise their kids completely different to the way you do and they are smart, successful and happy.

“There’s no expert out there who knows how to manage your child. You are the expert for your child”.

Back in the day kids were not praised constantly, praised was earned. As time went on and we moved into the new century, we wanted kids to grow up with a strong self-identity and so we lavished praise and rewards on them. Now what we’re learning is that all of our praise and rewards for children is actually having the opposite effect. When we praise kids for things that they should be doing anyway, there are some negative consequences. Kids look outside of themselves constantly for self validation. They constantly need someone else to reassure them rather than knowing themselves what feels or is good. Praise puts a lot of pressure on kids so if you’re constantly praising them, children have a lot of pressure to live up to the expectations of others.  We need to give children feedback for what they are doing rather than evaluation. E.g. if your child tidies their blocks away, rather than say you’re such a good girl for tidying your blocks away, you could say, thank you for tidying your blocks away, that was very helpful.  So then they internalise the idea that they can be helpful. The more we offer feedback to kids and describe what they are doing, the better. We should praise and comment on kids effort, not their product. E.g. I noticed you were helpful at dinner, that made me happy. Children who are constantly being told they are smart don’t feel the need to make an effort when they are doing things.

We praise kids for very nobel reasons but what we don’t realise is when we praise them, research shows us they become less likely to do it in the future. So rather than say good job, comment on what they are doing. Make your child feel proud by showing you have noticed what they are doing.

If a child comes to you showing you a picture and says “what do you think of my painting?” You could say “I saw you work very hard on that painting, tell me how you did it.” Put the ball back in their court and get them reflecting on their painting.

Kids need space, time and materials to play. Emily Plank teaches parents and educators that to play, you don’t need toys or things that light up and make noise. You need materials that are multipurpose that children can use and play with which then help them move from one developmental stage to another. We always think we need to give our children cognitive skills to do well in the world when in fact we need to allow them to have unstructured, open-ended free play. Children then learn skills of self-regulation, focus, engagement and independence. And these are the skills they need to help them later in their life. We’re constantly trying to get our children ready for the next stage when actually readiness comes from just being in the moment. So when children want to play and we provide them the space and materials, they will automatically get ready for what comes next.

Spending time with your child is allowing your child to be the leader and doing what they want rather than what you want. Many people talk about children’s behaviour as being attention seeking but when we are with our children we need to think about how much attention we’re really giving them. Are we sitting on our smart phones the whole time? We need to be able to give them 100% undivided attention. Not all the time but at least while they are playing. When we really pay attention we can see what they are fearful of, what they are struggling with and then work together with them to help them. Show them that what they are doing is valuable and important and more important than your phone or to do list.

When you have materials that are multipurpose and not just toys with one purpose, it encourages creativity.

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The last question Abby asked was “What are the qualities of healthy, successful kids?”

Emily responded saying she thinks the most important qualities have nothing to do with their cognitive intelligence but children who will be successful long term are children who are capable, confident and compassionate. As parents, we have to look at children and say what you are doing right now is what you should be doing right now. Trust that your child’s inner development is exactly as it needs to be. This makes children feel capable of doing anything. Confident children are children who know who they are and know that their opinions matter. They tend to seek out meaning in life. This goes hand in hand with praise and rewards. Kids who have a strong sense of who they are can approach life with enthusiasm. Compassion; she hopes to raise kids who find out that they can have their own needs met while making sure that other people’s needs around them are met as well.