I’ve always defended stay at home mums. I have been one for a long time and although I have been working for the last year, I was working from home and choosing my own hours so really, I didn’t feel like a working mum. I was still at every community time at school, at every school event and regularly had coffee with other fellow “school mums”. But all that is about to change. After 5 years I am going back to a 9am – 5:30pm job. I didn’t realise it was possible to feel so excited yet so anxious at the same time. To feel like everything was coming together and falling apart at the same time.
I haven’t even started working yet but the guilt is slowly creeping in. Am I doing the right thing? Will S be okay without me? Does he still need me? How will he feel if I’m not there to watch him perform (read: stand on stage and pick his nose) at community time? How will he feel when he comes rushing out of the school doors and not have me there to pick him up? S has had my undivided attention for 4 and half years and all that is about to change. And my biggest worry is how he’s going to cope and feel. Although judging by the way he was acting today I think I should be more worried about how I’m going to cope because he’ll probably be just fine.
Many people have said to me that he’ll be fine and that it’s a good thing. That by working I am showing him good work ethic, etc. So yes while I’ll be doing it for him, I’m really doing it for me. Because I need it, because I want it. I absolutely love being a mum but I miss being Natasha too. And let’s be honest, when you’re a single parent and the centre of your child’s world, it’s very easy to forget who you are. To put your desires, dreams and goals on the back burner.
September is my birthday month, the start of the school year and a time for new beginnings. I’m about to start a new role I know I’ll enjoy which will also mean compromising on another role I’ve loved for the last few years. I guess my biggest fear is my own judgement. We’re so conditioned to believe our kids need us and that only we can do the best job raising them. One of my challenges is going to be getting past that mindset knowing he’ll be everything he’s meant to be whether I stay at home with him or go out to work.
As a mum I think I’ll always have the question looming over my head: Am I doing the right thing?
Wish me luck!